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Use and throw!

Yeah he did that! The crush, with the smile. Used me and left!

As I told you things were going great, we were almost at the next level of being more then friends! But I’m committed, I was so nervous. Is it wrong? Is it slutty? Okay you Mr. Crush, you were being so nice to me. You payed a lot of attendance, just for this? We kissed! Yeah we kissed, he said “I dare you, can you do this to me?” Haha, my crush wants me to kiss him! Woahhoo best thing a person could ever imagine!

We were sitting in classroom, after lecture, all alone! He hold my hand, the situation was quite beautiful and nervous too! In some conversation he suddenly said, “do you want me to kiss you?”. I was silent, may be indicating a mute YES! HE KISSED! It was so special and beautiful, rather i had no guilts! It is my life, i know it was not serious, just a sudden thing and it just ended! We are still good friends! Ahan! Really?

Things changed! He started acting stranger, he stopped talking to me, all the good times were END. But why? Was that my fault? I was no left with any kind of patients! I walked to him, and said, “we need to talk”. He already knew what i was about to say! “I’m feeling guilty, i shouldn’t do that! I did wrong. Whether i did that with many more before but on this i’m guilty”, he said. OMFG! YOU ARE SAYING THIS NOW? He was done with USE, now it was his next step towards THROW.

I’m so done with this crush think now (well not really), but with that guy it was seriously done! Fuck boy, I loved you! You are a dog.

And then after around 3 months later, he was back, he tried that old things again, he definitely needed the next base! But this time, it was my turn to IGNORE. He leaned to kiss, but i moved on showing my middle finger! Hu-hu-ha-ha-ha you are busted ex-crush. I’m not gonna give you any damn attention now, it’s my time to rule!

But i’m in guilt now!

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The Smile, that goddamn smile!

Is that ever happened to you too or is it only me with this stupid feeling? Yeah, I’am committed, happily committed! But but but, fucking but, I got a crush. Yeah just crush and still a crush! But ever experienced having crush on a fuckboy?

I didn’t knew that before. He was my classmate, and was being a good friend day by day. We use to talk in class, on WhatsApp and almost everyday. Things were going good, really good. My girlfriend, I mean ex-girl friends were against it. Oh sorry let me explain the “it”. Roaming around with him, flirting back when he was flirting with me. Is flirting cheating? …idk is water wet? Whatever. When he entered we use to shake hands, but he never used to leave my hand, he always pulled me towards the terrace. We were holding hands and talked until the period bell rings! Our classmates used to click our randoms and tease us with eachother’s names. It happened almost everyday, I was happy. My crush was talking to me, even more then talking, far better from my last crush!

I don’t know my friends were seriously cared of me or were they just jealous? God knows! I was not feeling any guilt at that time when I was a stranger with the real side of him! His smile, the goddamn smile, it was a trap. But now I think my girls were right! Aham, I liked him, I don’t know how the crush became my liking, and lot more was in process.

Yeah, lot more to tell! Will tell soon! To be continued…

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7 minutes in HEAVEN

It was a secret. It’s India. These things should be a secret here, otherwise you’ll definitely going to get a title here like- CHARACTERLESS, OR SLUT! So, shush its a secret. Nobody knows it yet except some of my girl friends! And may be some will get to know it after reading this!

My first time was with my boyfriend on one year. We were so happy, and were on a date. After all it was 1 year being together, I had no shame left of eating decently in front of him! Anyway, we were done with eating and tired asf! We planned to go to his place and have some healthy talk.

As we were very much in love and we had been talking about taking this next step in our relationship for a long time, but we could never find the right place or time to be alone.

So, we are here, sitting, talking and having a healthy WE time! Than the situation occurs again which happened when we first kissed! His mom went somewhere for some work, so we were home alone, it was 6:25 in the evening, everything was so silent and peaceful. *blushing* I looked into my eyes, rolling his hand around my neck and grabbed it tight. We started kissing, honestly he is a damn good kisser! His another hand was on my waist. He started from the neck, the neck kisses and bites! I had no idea what would happen next.

We had no protection, as it was so sudden! I was happy that I was finally going to experience this wonderful act of love with someone I loved and knew cared and respected me, but I was also really scared. I mean, I could get pregnant or something. I also felt, in a way, that I was letting down my family. Being raised in India in a Catholic background, premarital sex is frowned upon.  He sat down on the bed and we continued to make out. I did not orgasm, but he did (I didn’t expect to though). He asked me, “Are you sure? Loosing virginity is actually a big deal!”, YEAH it is a big deal in INDIA but I looked straight in his eyes and I had this gut feeling that it was exactly what I wanted. He behaved like a gentleman, that made my mind agreed upon all this.

We undressed each other and got in bed together. I have admit, it was very painful. I did not bleed, like some do though. Because we have such a comfortable relationship, I was able to communicate with him how it was hurtful and he offered to stop, but I told him it was fine. Of course he went slow for me though. He was asking me “are you ok?” again and again, as it was his first time too and was concerned about me! But it was all amazing, I was in mixed emotions. Wanted to cry not because of pain, but because of the happiness and love. All that finished in just 7 minutes.

After that, we laid naked together for about 20 minutes and talked about it. For me, losing my virginity, was an amazing and comfortable experience. There was no awkwardness and no regrets after. Losing your virginity is not a race, my boyfriend and I were both 19 when we lost it together, but it is not something that can be rushed. When you love someone and with someone you know truly respects you, then losing your virginity will be a meaningful and special experience, like it should be.

Cloths

Yes I wear BRA, and it shows! So what?

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So, it was my college days!! Single and now yes, very much ready to mingle! Umm.. I was surrounded by a lot of proposals those days, was it the sign that I looks attractive now? Whatever! One of my school frnd proposed me, he was such a nice guy, and i honestly liked him! Usually I wear jeans and covered up clothes and a bit broad necks sometimes.

One day i showed him up in a pair of shorts and a ripped top- “THERE he was!”. But the question is why?

My short dress does not say “come fuck me”. It’s not feminist, its not slutty. The clothes that i wear in public do not communicate a desire of sex. Or a reason for you to expect it from me. It doesn’t mean i’m “asking for it”. My short dresses is not the reason why women get RAPED.

Women get raped because of rapist!

Anyhow, i talked to him about it, he was not in my favour too! He was a typical Indian guy, who wanted a typical indian girl. But nature wise he was not that bad, a perfect loving and caring guy! As always Indian socity- 1 and me- 0. I agreed to not to wear short clothes in public and we engaged in a relationship!

Oh yeah, he was serious about me, about the future! So i was a getting alot of care and attention! And i was quite happy with it. Then one day the topic arised again! One of my friends came home for some exam purpose! I told my boyfriend that my friend is at my place! Then he started again! “What are you wearing? Are you in your shorts? Send your pic, show me what are you wearing!”.  What the f**k was that? Can’t i wear what i want to, even in front of my friends, just because he is guy!

So, it’s like you love your boyfriend and wanted to be with him, so for that you need to listen to all his meaningless or useless demands. Then after a while calmed my self by thinking that, every Indian boyfriend use to be like that! And at the end i was like “Its okay! Let’s forget is all. I love you so much baby!”.

And the shit begins again!

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Not a DUFF anymore!

You know how much it hurts when you are less attravtive! Friends use to call you fatty, and you acts like you don’t care, but you actually do!

After the last insident that I told you in the last blog, something got changed. The quite me started her journey of being the hot me! I turned 17, and too had a boyfriend! He was 3 months younger than me, one of my friends’ younger brother. I met him in a event called “Rahagiri”. I didn’t love him, he was the result of some infatuations or a trial pack for me, of how relationships actually feels like! My girl friends were really happy for me. Then what! First relationship! Butterflies in stomach! Happiness when he kisses me! Excitement of meeting him! But all this not because i like him, because he was my boyfriend! Not like a guy i love, for me it was a guy who used to be called my so called boyfriend, that’s why I like whatever he use to do!

You know i just really didn’t knew what relationship actually is. May be this was the reason of loosing interest from him just after the one month of relationship! I was searching for true love at the age of seventeen! And now when i think about it, it feels like “you were a damn kid, how can you even think of it”. Anyways, I really wanted a relief, i was tired of relationship in just one damn month! Now what BREAKUP!

And who the hell will ever imagine that!! I started loving him more when i broke up with him! With time I realised that he was such a nice guy who really loved me! Even he tried to stay back in relationship but goddamn GIRL’S EGO!! I refused to do so just because of my nonsense ego! Anyhow, i started giving fake expectaions to myself that “I will have a better one than him, it was all nonsense and something that I should forget about!”

I have passed my high school and stepped in the new world of “college”!

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It’s not that simple!

slutYeah it’s really not that simple! And it’s more difficult when you are an Indian. This is the feeling that you just can’t explain to anyone. Oh I think i should tell you first of what i’m talking about! Its called Physical Need!!!!! Why being physical with someone in India a big deal? I’m 19. 

What actually i just want to know, is I’m seriously a whore? Then next of course you guys can judge me as everyone do! Starting from very beginning. I was a quite girl of my class till 10th standard. After observing the teenagers around me, a desire came out of my mind! “Me too wanna experience a relationship”. One of my friends/neighbors “D”, she had a boyfriend, a successful 3 year relationship! I was very jealous of her. Like why no one likes me? Isn’t I’m beautiful? Lol, forget to tell, I was a fat kid! May be that was the reason my CRUSH didn’t noticed me! I was 16 and started getting much open minded thoughts. That was the first time i got a crush. He was quite cute, but never used to talk to me. He was in my class but still never ever talked!

Thanks to my class teacher, he declared me and him, girls’ and boys’ class monitor! Oh happiest day it was. We started talking in class, not the friendly thing but about the school homework shit! Anyways it was the starting. We started talking on social media, now the friendly chat! I was getting a lot of attention. Happy days!!!!! Meanwhile a came to know that, he likes my best friend. He was duffing me! And my best friend, bloody bitch! When she came to knew about it, that bitch started flirting with him. Of course she was more beautiful and slimmer than me. Feels bad, really bad, really really bad!!! That was the first time I literally cried for a guy! I was on a call with my bestie, crying so bad, saying “i hate you so much, I’m not gonna talk to you again!”. But still she is my friend, MAY BE!

So, 1st CRUSH, became bad memory! But that bad memory changed me. Its was the time to stop being a DUFF!